When I got up, I was motivated to get some extra schoolwork done, but once Ethan was awake, that plan changed. Ethan and I decided to have a relaxing breakfast together at the Starbucks in the REI store near our house. We had a lovely time talking about his future, his options, his trip to Thailand, etc. I am so thankful that I have the chance to have these deep, reflective conversations with my children. I had a gift card that had been given to me for my birthday, so having a free breakfast and beverages for both of us made it extra fun.
After we were done eating, we did a little shopping as I was in need of new shoes to wear to the gym. I have short, wide, hobbit-like feet, so buying shoes is never easy, fun or fashionable. I attempted to shove my foot into several pairs of shoes in the adult footwear section, but had very little luck. I did fit into a pair of shoes that had aggressive tread. I carried them around for a while and then put them back thinking that they were too much for the gym. (Now I wish that I had purchased them as they would be good for trail walking in the summer time. I may go back and look for them again. They were on the clearance rack, so who knows if they will still be available.) I was trying to talk myself into accepting the need to pay $150 for a pair of ugly shoes with a curved sole because they were the only ones I could fit my foot into. Then, just for fun, we walked over to the kids' department where I struck gold, of sorts. I was able to find fun, patterned Bogs rainboots. I also scored a pair of purple athletic shoes and a new pair of purple Tevas. Everything was on sale and so I purchased 3 pairs of shoes for the price of less than one pair at the normal price.
I spent some of the time back at home getting things picked up and in order. I took out the dead flowers from the arrangements and remade some of them anew by combining them. I spent time think about and planning for Ellie's upcoming birthday. I sort of got lost down a rabbit hole on Pinterest. Usually I am much more self limiting with how much time I spend looking at stuff, but yesterday I had fun taking a ton of ideas in.
I also went to the gym and worked out. The trainer put together a 3 day rotation plan for me which includes doing abdominal muscles every day. Yesterday I did all of the free-weight and machine exercises on my list, but I did not have enough left in me to be able to do the cardio. That made me feel bad. I simply could not get it done. So, I sat in the locker room and the shower crying for a while. I feel bad that I cannot do it all. Intellectually I know that it is not reasonable to feel like I am not doing well, that I am afraid that I am approaching failure. The emotional side of me feels the sting. When I was in high school (so very long ago) I was strong; I could lift a lot for a long time and then run for long distances. I was not fast, but I had endurance. Now I lift small amounts and I am very slow at the cardio. I know that I need to work up to it. I know that I went from doing nothing, to going to the gym fairly often. But I also know that I am afraid to fail. I have failed at trying to lose weight so many times. I don't want this to be just another time.
I also feel a bit dumb about not having figured out how to do all of the locker room stuff efficiently. I trudge over to the stall with my towel, my shampoo, my conditioner, my body wash, etc. I feel like I look like I am moving out since I am carrying so much stuff. There has got to be a better way to do this.
At this point some of the fingers on my left hand and tingly, most likely from a pinched nerve or swelling in my "funny bone" in my elbo (I will ice it this evening and see if that helps.) My ab.s are constantly sore and I feel just as fat as ever. I am glad that I am working out alone because that means that I am not slowing anyone else down with my inability to complete the program.
On the other hand, my kids and Kohlton are very supportive. They remind me that they see me as brave for taking this on. They remind me that it is not reasonable to expect that I can go from zero to sixty in one month worth of work outs. It is nice to know that my kids are supportive, instead of embarrassed. I will most likely continue to look like a Hobbit Mom, but at least I will be a more healthy one. I just have to get past my struggle with feeling like failure is lurking around the corner.
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