Sixteen years ago my life made such a remarkable turn. It was the day my boy was born. On that day I thought I might stay pregnant forever. He was two weeks late and the med.s were not helping start labor. He finally made his appearance in his own sweet time. I should have known that it would always be like that with him. He was so anticipated. I painted a mural in his room as we waited for him. I picked an image from Mem Foxes' Possum Magic, though I changed the possum into a cat.
I read to him, we played music. The essence of who he is today was there from the very beginning. The time seems to go so quickly. It seems like just a few days ago when we would find places for him to dig holes in the dirt or find heavy equipment. I still almost expect to see his bright yellow rainboot, the kind that he wore for nearly seven years. Or the yellow t-shirts that he wore even longer. There was a time when he had an "Ethan Uniform" comprised of the bright gold t-shirt, a pair of jeans and the yellow rainboots. It was easy to find him in pictures because he always wore the same thing. He has changed his uniform, though he is still prone to wearing the same basic thing day in and day out. Now he has a white t-shirt, jeans and a different style of boots. He often wears a cycling cap, usually the one in the banner photo, and carries one of his bags. His look is distinctive. He's going for the Fixie Bike Messenger look and he pulls it off nicely. And he always, still, does things his way and in his own time. (Some times it drives me a little crazy. "Relax, Mama" he says,"I'll get it done." And he does, just no on my time schedule.) I see the passion with which he can do amazing things. How it can motivate him to plan, execute and see a project through. I see how resourceful he can be when a goal is important. I see how he can be led by compassion and offer help simply for the sake of doing good for another. I see how he can put people at ease and make them feel less stressful. I see how he can unite people or make a less noticed person feel special. I also see a young man who I can be proud of. Who I love and who I know will be loved by many others.
This birthday is a little hard for me. Sixteen seems such a pivotal age. He teases that soon he will be out of the house. Soon he may not need me to take him places. I will miss those times, incidental as they are, for us to connect, or just be, together. I recently asked him if, once he can drive on his own, if he will still want me to take him to the races. He said, "It's okay, Mama. I will still need you. You are not just here because I need a ride. You are here because I love you and how you support me." I know that our connection is not borne out of his needs, but rather through the ties that bind us, the joys we share, the joys we introduce to each other.
His birthday is not usually a big deal for him. However, this year he said he wanted a big party. We've invited a lot of people, but, being a holiday weekend, many of them can't come. We're going to have a rockin' party at our house tomorrow. His fare is simple: pizza, pop, chips, friends and a bit of gaming. I look forward to the wild, loud time we'll have. Maybe it will make me feel a little less melancholy. My sweet boy, or young man, I love you. What a man you are becoming!
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